**I would like to preface this post by explaining that I really am fine. Not at every moment of the day, but I am warrior and I will survive. That doesn’t make the hard moments less hard. I’ve avoided them for so long but that doesn’t make them go away. I know I’m not the only one who experiences these things and I feel like if one person can see this pain put into words and it helps in some way then it was worth it. If it moves someone to dig a little deeper or care a little more about people who go through this, than it was worth it. Please don’t worry about me though. I will be okay**
Breath is the eternal life force, but what do you do when you can’t catch it?
From a moment of not having the energy to move, into a fit of giggles and silliness, straight into unexplainable tears. Losing your breath all along the way.
“Calm down” “Breathe” “Get up” “Branna, please move”
You repeat these phrases over and over because if you don’t get up now, maybe you never will.
Once you are finally able to move you walk to the mirror to give yourself the pep talk that always seems to work, but you fear what you see. A broken girl, crying for no reason, engulfed by a hole with no trigger.
You tell her to stop crying and she cries more. You tell her it’s okay to cry and she cries more. We fall to the ground. The progress to get out of bed is lost the nearer we get to the floor.
We struggle to breathe, we count, we close our eyes, we look up, down, and to each other again.
We see this pain without words. Without color or sound or texture.
This hidden beast
The beast that comes out when you’re alone and vulnerable, when you least expect it.
You thank it: for not breaking you in a crowd
You curse it: for leaving you alone and helpless
You fear it: and don’t want to fight back and lose
You love it: because you know it will never abandon you
As time stands still
You take the blows
You give away your breath
Because that’s all you can do
Eventually you’re fine again, you wipe the tears, answer the missed calls, stand back up.
And then you breathe