My life has led me to feel all sorts of pain. From a scraped knee when falling off my bike, to a broken heart, to losing what should have been the most important person in my life. I am no stranger to pain.
My mind knows this well. It knows I understand pain so well that it creates pain out of nowhere. Tension when everyone else is happy. Sadness on a sunny day. Loneliness in a crowded room. My mind spends all day creating pain that doesn’t even exist, so sometimes it’s hard to find the truth in pain.
My childhood was comprised of a lot of people trying to shield me from the pain of the world. This protection came from love but helped weaken me to inner demons. I will take the pain of the world over the pain of my mind any day. I will take Truth over my self-created nightmares any day.
I write to clear the lines between Truth and Pain
My head is filled with emotions that twist and turn and hide behind other emotions so much that I can hardly decipher what is real. Through writing, I’m able to strip the emotions that begin when I write down to the raw pain that hides beneath. This shedding process rarely leaves me in a ‘happy’ state but it leaves me calm because even in my sadness and pain I know what I am feeling is ugly, but truthful and real. So often I find myself feeling pain for all the wrong reasons and it leaves me crying for all the wrong reasons. And when the crying is over, I feel no sense of relief because the Truth was never addressed. Finding the Truth is hard, but battling it is always worth the fight because the small victories of Truth lead me towards winning this life we lead.
When I live in that Truth, no matter how hard it was to get there, I know that when I cry, it’s real, and I can cry in peace.