My reality of settling

I would like to picture settling in the form of sand slowly falling to the bottom on a sea shore after a long summer day of feet wading in and out of its salty waves.

My reality of settling, however, comes in the middle of the night when all is quiet around me leaving room for the racing thoughts in my head to change the stillness from calm to chaos in seconds.

They hide in silence and come out when all seems clear to bring up fears of insecurity, loss of control, and inability to move. They snicker in the silence knowing only I can hear their voices. They grow in the darkness, merely subdued by busying my mind with the toxins of social media.

I used to fear the silence. I feard these monsters and the power they continue to hold over me. I still fear the consequences if they win.

But more resently, I have come to embrace the silence. I confront the demons head on, an expert in these interactions by now. I face them knowing that the dreams of settling sand on the sea shore can never be my reality if the monsters of my mind infest the waters.

My hope is that the waves kick up enough sand to land right on top of those fears and bury them beneath the settling ground. But that wave can only come from me and I can only create such a thing by embracing the silence that I shouldn’t have to fear.

Maybe the settling will never happen; maybe it’s not supposed to. But each day I take another step and create another wave that may just be the one that saves me.

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Goodbye for Now

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On Sunday May 21, 2017. I completed the goal I’ve worked the last four years to reach. On my big bucket list of lifelong dreams, I was finally able to check this one off. It truly was a beautiful and bittersweet moment. It did not go smoothly, as things rarely do, and by the end of the day I was completely whipped, but I did it!

 

And in the midst of all the ‘lasts’ I still haven’t cried. My last day of classes, my last final, my last asian bowl (ok I almost cried at that one), and my last time time walking on campus as a Luther student. I expected that these things would be emotional and painful for me, but they really weren’t.

Then came the goodbyes.

Goodbye to my professors, goodbye to my mentors, my role models, the lovely people that make my asian bowl, goodbye to my friends. I thought that this would be the time that the tears would start to flow, and yet they didn’t. I have spent the last couple of days wondering why I haven’t been emotional about this whole process. And this is the conclusion I have drawn.

The goodbyes are only temporary for me. I have spent the last four years not just going from class to class only waving at the passersby, I have spent that time building relationships that I fully plan to last me for the next four years and beyond.

The professors that have taught me the many wonderful things I’ve learned in and out of my classes are more than just people who happen to be qualified to teach at this college, they are my mentors and role models in life. You don’t just walk away from people like that, you cherish them, you keep in contact, and you continue that relationship you’ve worked so hard to build.

To the real and true friends I have made in the last four years, know that your friendship was not simply a convenience to me. The goodbyes we said on Sunday will not be the last! We have been through too much and shared too many beautiful memories for that to be so. The love I have for you all surpases time and space. It may not be in person; maybe it’s only a phone call now and then, a skype session, or a snapchat, but we will see each other again and there will be many more goodbyes for us to share.

Maybe this wishful thinking of goodbye only being for now is a little too romantic. Maybe it’s just my way of coping with this change in life. Interpret it how you will, I know that graduating Luther is not the end. What will keep me going is knowing that it’s not a goodbye forever, just a goodbye for now.

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Spontaneous night out

The intentions were great: do some reading at a local coffee shop…. Well, very little reading got done but the night continued to be filled with a couple of cocktails and a three course meal at my favorite restaurant (and job) in town, Rubaiyat, with my favorite and only roommate!

There are so many awesome things our small college town has to offer: great coffee shops to study in, wonderful cocktail bars to chat and drink, and great establishments to dine AND drink.

Most of my time the last year has been spent working at the wonderful establishment of rubaiyat but tonight I was the one dining out!

Emily and I started the afternoon at Impact with the plans to drink some coffee and do some homework. Well… not much reading got done by either of us, but we had a very nice life chat, as seniors in college need every once in awhile.

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All of a sudden it was 5:00, just in time for Rubaiyat to open! How convienient!

We told ourselves we were just going to get a cocktail…. And maybe an appetizer! Very quickly, that turned into us sitting at a booth full to the brim with 2 cocktails, salad, bread, an entree and all we could eat of a delicious creme brulee.

Do I regret anything? Absolutely not!

Sometimes this is exactly what a girl needs. A spontaneous night out where we laugh and gossip and probably eat a little too much eat and drink just enough drink. I couldn’t have asked for a better evening with my favorite roommate ever!

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*Warning Sappy college senior moment coming up*

As ready as I am to start life in the world outside Luther, I have moments like these. I have always been told I will look back on my college days and remember the first and last days of class or turning in my senior paper or maybe the whole receiving a diploma thing, but when I look back at Luther I will remember these moments. Moments with some of the most amazing people that I have ever met. The spontaneous dinners, the coffee homework sessions that turn into the best therapy, and the loving friendship two complete strangers were able to bring to life over the last four years.

My goal is that the last six weeks I have at Luther will be filled with all of these beautiful memories.

Butterflies of my Soul

Butterflies of my Soul

The world stops. Everything is without motion except for the beating of your heart and the pulsing of your veins.

A large mesh cage appears and in that cage you place the butterflies of your soul. As you confront a feeling of pain, anxiety, happiness, loss or anything else, a beautiful butterfly materializes, reflecting that emotion. Once placed in the cage they may fight or console each other. But they wont be there for long.

When you feel like your emotions have been processed and materialized, you stand up and walk to the nearest door you can find.

You walk through.

A land of your creation awaits you. It is a warm medow in the middle of a forrest. The sun is welcoming to your newly naked and vulnerable skin. There is a lake near you with the clearest water you have ever seen.

You open the cage and release the butterflies of your soul into this world of serenity.

Your breathing slows. Your pulse settles. And for even a moment, you are at peace.

The lake lures you in with its crystal waters and soft stirrings. You wade in, cleansing yourself of the struggles of life.

You dry off by laying in the grasses of the meadow. Sometimes you are greeted by a rabbit or a deer. Sometimes you are left alone to process and breathe.

Looking up, you see the butterflies of your soul flitter around free, but hesitant to fully leave. Some never do.

When you feel satisfied, you walk back through the door into the motionless world you left. You take your place back into reality and live on where you left off.

Knowing that, soon enough, you will be able to return to this world of your making.

One day, forever.

The Break in Spring Break

Spring break: A time for travel and sunshine and beaches and alcohol, right? That does sound like fun, and I wouldn’t complain about being somewhere like that right now, but what I really need requires very little travel and a lot of love and relaxation. What I need is quite simple. A break.

I’ve discovered that I feel the need to fill every moment of my time off doing what society tells me is fun and ultimately what “I am supposed to do” for this thing called spring break. But when I return, I end up feeling more tired and worn out than before I left. I get so anxious about doing all of these fun, seemingly necessary things, that I never get a chance to really take a break. This year, I decided to put my foot down and take some time for me.

Of course, I had some plans for this week, but they did not end up going… quite as planned. What was meant to be a fun few days with an old friend and lover prematurely ended by crashing back to reality with hurt and heartbreak. Again, not quite what I had in mind for this ‘break.’

In the moment, I knew that I could handle this problem in a few ways. For example, I could cry myself to sleep and stay that way for the rest of the week, or I could pick myself up and make the most of my drive up to Minneapolis. I decided to do a little bit of both. Emotions are hard and suppressing them is not healthy, so I decided to go to stay with my family in the cities. I told them what happened, and yes, I cried… a lot. The next morning, I got up, had some coffee, played with my nephews and later that day, my family treated me to a facial at a spa in town.

I am clearly sad about how the beginning of my ‘spring break’ has been, but I refuse to let that keep me from having the break I know I deserve. Spending time with my family is the healthiest way to follow this situation. Healing loss with love is the best remedy I know and that is exactly what I got from the hand I was dealt. If a life decision like this had to happen, this was the best time for it.

My mentality going into this week was to spend my time catching up and relaxing as well as processing where my life is at and where it was going. Even though the obstacles life has thrown at me, my goal remains the same. In fact, it is even more important. I still have 5 days before classes start to take in all of the ‘break’ I can, and you can bet I will do just that!

Final Semester Already!?

“The dreaded last semester at Luther College…”  at least that’s how I expected it to feel three and a half years ago when I came in as a first year. Don’t get me wrong, the dark cloud  of ‘adulthood’ is definitely hovering over my head, but I got my umbrella and rainboots and I’m ready to go.

The impending jump to adulthood, whatever the heck that means, is right around the corner and I am quite aware of this, but I don’t really feel like it has to be a bad thing! No promises I will feel the same way come the beginning of May or maybe the end of April when my senior paper is due…

Every now and then I get a little jolt of, “oh my goodness what am I doing with my life,” but that definitely didn’t stop me from taking a last first day of classes picture with my lovely roommate! We dressed up, headed to class and even made it through the whole day without a nap; if that’s not an achievement, then I don’t know what is!

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Emily and I being cute on our (last) first day of classes!!

All joking aside, I am a little nervous about finishing up my time at Luther. It’s been four years of ups and downs and literal dreams come true. I have done so much in my time here and have traveled to so many places. I would not give a second of that back and definitely plan on making the most of my remaining time here, however, I am ready to take those next steps. Maybe it’s from studying abroad so much and doing independent travel, maybe it’s working a consistent job, maybe the adult gene finally kicked in, but I really do feel ready.

I began feeling this way last semester when I decided I did not want to go to graduate school. It is not that I have no more room to learn, trust me, there is plenty that I still don’t know. It is more that I am tired of sitting around talking about impacting society rather than actually doing it. This is part of learning, you have to know what you’re going to do and what that means before you actually do it, and that’s great, but I’m ready for more. At least I think I am… I guess we’ll see!

So, although growing up and graduating college means that the bills will start to add up and the loans will come back to get me, it is a step I am more than willing (maybe even excited) to take. And until that day comes, May 21st that is, I will make the most of my final semester at Luther.

New Beginings, Second Chances and Tomorrows

New Beginings, Second Chances and Tomorrows

Yes there are a million cheesy catch phrases for new years that never fade:

“New Year, New You”

“Here’s to my new year’s resolutions”

“See you next year”

We’ve heard them all… probably one too many times. How many people really stick to those resolutions? Not a ton I’m guessing.

It’s pretty obvious that the world, and our place in it, is not going to change in the minutes between 2016 and 2017. My college debts will not be erased, I will not lose 20 pounds, and the man of my dreams will not show up in front of me. If those things did happen they would either be illegal, unhealthy or both!

But even after facing the not so bright reality of the January 1st, this continues to be my favorite holiday. Because whether we keep our silly resolutions or not, there are thousands of people feeling that same sense of hope for a new year. For at least a split second, people believe in themselves and the world around them to make this next year better than the one we are leaving.

And I think that is absolutely beautiful!

If we are being honest with ourselves, we could decide to change any day. Tomorrow I could wake up and say, I’m going to start going to the gym every day. Ok.. bad example concidering tomorrow is January 1st, but you get my point. We have the power to make those decisions whenever we want, but having a specific day  makes it just a little easier to believe.

So whether you are making your own new years resolution, spending the night partying away, or just curling up watching netflix, I hope you have that second, that little moment between 1159 and 1200, where you believe in new beginings, second chances and tomorrows.